Bank Trouble
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Thursday, September 21, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 21st
Bank Trouble
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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