An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the
consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a
piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the
man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the
doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.
The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical
complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor
didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room,
the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. Its contents were thus:
"Your fly is undone."
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Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is
getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says
"Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"
The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"
Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."
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It's not a bug. It's just an undocumented feature.
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Little girl
Knock Knock! Who's there?A little girl.A little girl who?A little girl who can't reach the doorbell!
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Reasons to leave work
1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances. 2. Came dressed in only a towel...again. 3. Ran out of paper clips. 4. I've decided to telecommute. 5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House. 6. It's a long drive home to Texas. 7. One-day sale at Macy's. 8. My brain is melting! 9. I think they found me out... 10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.
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Memory trick
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Ploughing at Night
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"
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Volunteer FirefighterSitting at the kitchen table after dinner one night, my son-in-law was telling us that he'd finished his training for volunteer firefighting and was showing us his beeper. As he spoke, the beeper let out a shrill "there's a fire" message. Bryan nearly jumped over the table getting to the door. We watched him as he raced for the car and sped up the block to the fire hall."It's wonderful to know our firemen are trained to respond instantly," I said to my daughter. "I didn't know Bryan could move so fast.""I hate to burst your bubble, Mom," she replied, "but the first guy there gets to drive the truck."
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"We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's
what he descends to that shames the human race." -Mark Twain
***
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
-Steven Wright
***
"Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves
to get it." -Don Herold
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On the phone with a golf buddy who has asked him to play, a
guy says: "I am the master of my home and can play golf
whenever I want. But hold on a minute while I find out if I
want to."
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A bagel left unattended in a microwave, set off the fire
alarm. The microwave, charred and smoking, was carried
outside and placed on the sidewalk.
A fireman walked up and said, "Is this the object that
started the fire?"
One of the employees said, "No. When we take a break, it
takes a break."
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How to Detect a Mental Deficiency
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
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Wife wanted
A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Kenny's Law of Auto Repair
The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
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Made You Think
- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. - For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. - I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. - I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. - I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
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"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the
room." - Winston Churchill
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Bathroom Scales
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand
on it and it makes you mad."
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10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN.