Monday, January 08, 2007

hUMOR For Jan. 8th

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

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Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.

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New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...

Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.

Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.

Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.

Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.

Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.

Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.

Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.

Makes 1 pleasant year.

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In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the

rule of thumb"
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind

your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into

the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
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~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even

have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!