How to Train a Cat
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began
to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry,"
my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new
pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to
teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to
go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
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"Traffic Laughs"
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
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Oneliner
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?" - Bullwinkle J. Moose
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"Vegetable Church"
"Welcome to the Church of the Leafy Vegetable. Lettuce pray."
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Morris, a city boy, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver
the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and
said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked,
"Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."