********************************
Bad Hair Day
"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the
sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor.
The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the
last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took
one look at her and said, 'Well, Honey, ... at least you tried.'"
********************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle --
In two days tomorrow will be yesterday. Today is no
special day and I have no particular reason for
writing to you... I have no news to tell you.... nor
any problems to discuss with you.... or gossip to tell
you... It's only one of those happy moments.. when I
thought of you... and I would like to share these
thoughts with you... MANY SMILES BEGIN BECAUSE OF
ANOTHER SMILE...Keep scrolling, and if you don't
smile, then I believe you must be dead!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Parking Ticket
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and
dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here
I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket
and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years,
and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job...
Lead us not into temptation."
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GUYS RULES
At last, a guy has taken the time to write this all
down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must
admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are our
rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1.Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a
laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a
bigger laugh!!
********************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle --
In two days tomorrow will be yesterday. Today is no
special day and I have no particular reason for
writing to you... I have no news to tell you.... nor
any problems to discuss with you.... or gossip to tell
you... It's only one of those happy moments.. when I
thought of you... and I would like to share these
thoughts with you... MANY SMILES BEGIN BECAUSE OF
ANOTHER SMILE...Keep scrolling, and if you don't
smile, then I believe you must be dead!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Parking Ticket
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and
dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here
I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket
and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years,
and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job...
Lead us not into temptation."
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GUYS RULES
At last, a guy has taken the time to write this all
down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must
admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are our
rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1.Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a
laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a
bigger laugh!!
********************************
How to Get Rid of Your Preacher:
- Look him straight in the eye and say 'Amen' once in a while. He'll preach himself to death within a few weeks.
- Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to death.
- Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death.
- Rededicate your own life and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure.
- Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands.
********************************
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a
younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their
downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked
his wife to move out and get another place.
His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3
days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She
spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move out for a few days, and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.
Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to
move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky
apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from
the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company
arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home . . .
. . .including the curtain rods!
********************************
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.
This defect has been technically termed, "Subsequential Internal Non-morality", or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish, or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the PLAN-OF-SALVATION procedure.
1. HEAR the Gospel Message, the Good News of Christ
2. BELIEVE in Christ (put your faith & trust in Him)
3. REPENT of your SINS (be willing to change your heart and life)
4. CONFESS Jesus as the Son of God and as your Lord & Savior
5. BE BAPTIZED for the remission of SINS
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers Instructions Before Leaving Earth), for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Thank you for your immediate attention.
GOD
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall.
********************************
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.
"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."
"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."
********************************
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.
"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."
"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."
********************************
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently
getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea ! (I Like This One! JF)
If enough people follow these tips, it will work----
I have been doing this for years, and I get very little
junk mail anymore.
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS