********************************
CleanPun.
The best way to watch a demolition derby?
Through a kaleidoscope.
********************************
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains.
We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was wrong.
When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
********************************
Illustration.
My 9yr. old niece says her prayers every night and instead of Amen she says: "Hit ENTER"
********************************
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton. She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson. Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position. Becky looks at Sarah's resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
"If you don't mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary. That's chutzpah, wouldn't you say?!?" asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment. "Well, I suppose I am," replies Sarah, "but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing."
********************************
Lost In Thought
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She'd used an emergency phone to call for help.
Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue.
********************************
Warm Up WitLittle Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lucy?" "My goldfish died," replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"
********************************
What did you say?
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down
to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His
wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and
says, "Where's my toast?"
............
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
............
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you
went
out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I
give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7
p. m., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit and he brought me such
beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs and what's there but a
luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out
for
dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was -- lobster, champagne, dessert,
and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So
then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL.
Completely
crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two
times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
...........
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
............
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
............
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young
woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be
careful.'"
............
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he
ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."