Reservations
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not
have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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"Car Moving"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.
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Oneliner
"His eye is on the sparrow--and on the turkey, too!"
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"Commercial Time"
The math department felt they weren't getting enough students registering as math majors, so they made a commercial and aired it on prime time--1 o'clock, 2 o'clock,
3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock.
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Having recently moved to a rural area, my wife and I asked a cashier at the
local Wal-Mart if she could recommend a good restaurant where we could eat.
"I don't know," said the sales clerk. "I like Lillington food better."
"Okay," I said. "Lillington is a mere fifteen miles south of here. What's
the difference between Lillington food and the food here?"
"Lillington food just tastes better. I don't know why."
"Is there any place at all in this town that you might recommend?"
"Well, I would tell you to go to Golden Corral but they won't be open for a
couple more months."
"Then why would you even mention Golden Corral if they aren't open?"
"Because their food tastes like Lillington food."
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TRIVIA: Here is a baseball question -- who holds
MLB's record for the longest stolen base streak
without being caught?
"My strength is as the strength of ten, Because
my heart is pure" Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809 - 1892).
ANSWER BELOW
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Thanks to Marti -- How would life be backwards?
You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every
day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect
your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally
promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and
then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room
service on tap, larger quarters every day, And then,
you finish off as an Conceived!.
I rest my case.
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Thanks to JLH: Worth Pondering
When things in your life seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
some items in front of him. When the class began, he
wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
everything else. He asked once more if the jar was
full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the table and poured the entire contents into
the jar effectively filling the empty space between
the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I
want you to recognize that this jar represents your
life. The golf balls are the important things--- your
family, your health, your friends and your favorite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only
they remained , your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you
put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there
is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same
goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with
your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to
get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix
the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the
things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm
glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (NOTE: Surely the very
suggestion that this could hail from the same part of
the country as your editor is out of the question...)
Arkansas Love Poem
A fellow Arkie sent this to me but surely it does not
pertain to Northeast Arkansas:
Arkansas Love Poem
Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzy gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know,
But Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzy forgot about her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still."
"You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo
half-brothers."
But Mama knew and Mama said,
"Child, do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
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ANSWER: Over the 1988 and 1989 season St. Louis
Cardinal Vince Coleman stole 50 bases without being
caught.