"Heredity"
Father, Mother and their 3 sons, John (the oldest), Mike (middle) and Steve (youngest) are conversing around the table after dinner. The subject of traits of parents being passed on to children comes up.
The Father says, "John has my eyes, Mike has my creativity, and Steve has my intelligence."
Steve responds, "Daddy, what's intelligence?"
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Oneliner
"Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive."
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CleanPun - "Chicken"
A chicken crossing the road is "poultry in motion."
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Old Maserati
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy,
Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven
it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement
parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses
ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed
Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry
any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he
replied. "Oil."
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A man has an hour before his flight to Los Angeles. He
decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and
sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty
whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself
to the nervous guy and buys him a drink.
The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"
The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I
j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're
g-going to d-die."
"Is this your first time flying?"
"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my
job."
"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive
cross-country?"
"H-he would never l-let me do that."
"Why not?" asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, "B-because I'm the p-pilot."
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An old country farmer had a teenage son, Dan, and it was
getting time Dan should give some thought to
choosing a profession. Like many young men, Dan
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't
seem too concerned about it.
One day, while Dan was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into Dan's
room and placed on his study table three objects:
a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old farmer
said to himself, "and when he comes home from school
this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If
it's the Bible, he's going to be a farmer like me,
and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would
be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's
going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord,
what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's
footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed
for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as
he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on
the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it
under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and
dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna
be a Ted Kennedy Democrat!"
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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a
sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in old Dan's front
yard.
Old Dan, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury all of the politicians. A few hours later,
the local sheriff came by to investigate, saw the crashed bus and asked old
Dan where all the politicians had gone. Old Dan said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked old Dan, "Were they ALL dead?" Old Dan replied, "Well,
some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
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Crime and Punishment
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime.
Their sentence was to spend a few years in the desert. The judge said
that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade
whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?"
The man replied, "If it gets too hot, I can roll down the window."