Wedding Ceremony
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a
brief ceremony in front of the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were
to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six
single men stepped to the front.
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"Egg Timing"
A friend of mine,a new bride, was on her honeymoon and spent one night at her spouse's relatives. She got up early, went down to the kitchen and started to get breakfast together. When the lady of the house came down my friend told her that she had started the soft boiled eggs for her but "how do you tell from the egg timer when they are done?"
She had put the egg timer into the water with the boiling eggs.
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Today's Oneliner
"They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now - you call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers."
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Golf Gun"
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum
“My Brother Vernie Doesn’t Have One” by Doctor Dan
"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily
"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic
"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit
(illustrated by Betty Wont)
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns
"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich
"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff
"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While
Received from Cybersalt Digest.
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Thanks to LBS: The New School Prayer
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
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Thanks to LBS: The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
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"Silent Advice"
An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leaned over and said to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
Her husband leaned over to her and replied, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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Labor Pains
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat
with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the
birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point
for answering questions about the facts of life.
As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal,
he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"