Hopeless Pupil
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher.
"I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher.
"But you only have two ears."
"You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things to do When Your ISP Goes Down"
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
8. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hope"
The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."
The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says, "Hello?"
Then he hears, "For just 75 cents an issue..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect. My
six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a
stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you
accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside
screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SOUTHERNOSTY
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy
fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE"
them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the
general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is
-- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is
not a request for the white, granular sweet substance
that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the
table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know the concept
well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is
a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece."
They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile
or 20.
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun,
a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat
them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red
eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried
green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a
genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And there's the ole time favorite of "goin" back home
to see mommernem" for some "down home cookin".
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on
the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go
your own way.
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by
your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of
sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your
heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard
time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your
hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
Southernness as a second language! And for those that
are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch
that reads, "I aint from the South but I got here as
fast as I could." Bless your hearts, ya'll have a
blessed day.