Monday, July 25, 2005

hUMOR For July 25th

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This looks like what every handyman should have.WD-40 - I thought that you might like to know more about this well-known product.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been.The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts.The workers were so pleased with the product they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.The rest is history.It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. One of them is the "brewmaster." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets its distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew.Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.Here are some of the uses:Protects silver from tarnishingCleans and lubricates guitar stringsGets oil spots off concrete drivewaysGives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slipperyKeeps flies off cowsRestores and cleans chalkboardsRemoves lipstick stainsLoosens stubborn zippersUntangles jewelry chainsRemoves stains from stainless steel sinksRemoves dirt and grime from the barbecue grillKeeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizingRemoves tomato stains from clothingKeeps glass shower doors free of water spotsCamouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floorsKeeps scissors working smoothlyLubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homesGives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slideLubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowersRids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noisesLubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to openSpraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and closeRestores and cleans padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpersRestores and cleans roof racks on vehiclesLubricates and stops squeaks in electric fansLubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handlingLubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothlyKeeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other toolsRemoves splattered grease on stoveKeeps bathroom mirror from foggingLubricates prosthetic limbsKeeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)Removes all traces of duct tapeI have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpersThe favorite use in the state of New York -- WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. It's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. (If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help)WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape mung (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
UseWD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
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Husbands for saleA Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates.There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.... As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a husband......On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, aredrop-dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, aredrop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
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An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was
walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, and
the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled
over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching
for him
with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian?"

Said the voice. "Very well,"

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and
spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord. Amen."