Young Clergyman
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him
to better understand the fears and temptations his future
congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several
months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam
to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions, he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a
frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."
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"Ol' Spot"
(This one is long so don't sweat it if you don't have time to read it. Just skip it if you like.)
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like many women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak.
When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.
She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.
Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
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Oneliner
I went through hypnosis to lose weight . . . how much does $120 weigh? "Intolerance"
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
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Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over
and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would
like to play a game.
"I'll ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a
question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."
When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man
handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar. "It's 238,857 miles.
Now it's your turn."
The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, "What
goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour--but to
no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over
$50. "Okay, okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.
The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed
it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.