A two-year-old girl, April, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. April kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.
With about six other patients waiting, April marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
Her mother woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.
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A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting.
The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was.
The car was driven by an elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.
She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." She pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."
The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'
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Al, a nice Grandpa and his granddaughter Meghan were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the Meghan asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," Al answered.
For a few minutes, Meghan seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
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Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
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The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
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A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
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Remember, old folks are worth a fortune-silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am-in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement-I ask myself what am I here after?"