Quit Smoking Resolution
New Year’s resolution to kick a smoking habit…
A young man at a New Year’s Eve party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the man says. “Right now, I’m in the middle of phase one. I’ve quit buying.”
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Nothing To Correct on New Year’s Day
Looking for flaws to correct this New Year’s Day?
On New Year’s Day, some years ago,
I swore off alcohol;
And, one year later, I eschewed
Pipes, cigarettes, et al.
The next, I quit profanity
As something not too nice.
And then abandoned slot machines,
Card games, roulette and dice.
Thus curing faults each year, I reached
A state of such perfection
That I have not a single flaw
Now calling for correction.
But New Year’s Day is now for me
A ruined Institution;
For what is New Year’s Day without
A New Year’s resolution?
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A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests,
would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own
hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a
response to equal four-year old David's comment.
She tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart.
"Listen, she said, what do you suppose that is?"
He looked up at her, puzzled. Then his face broke out in a happy grin and
asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"
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While at church attending Sunday services, an elderly couple had the
following whispered conversation.
"I just silently passed some gas, what do you think I should do?" asked the
wife.
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
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"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not
lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly
does not lead to doing much of anything." - Conan O'Brien
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A little late, but………………………
A Letter from Santa
Dear Vernie,
I am writing in reply to your letter dated November 18th of this year. I
will start by saying that future correspondence regarding Christmas requests
should be postmarked before midnight on November 15th to insure
consideration before December 24th. Please keep in mind that this is a busy
time of year for my staff and myself and we like to have all orders filled
before our November 15th deadline as we begin loading the sleigh on the
16th.
Your request to have "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" cannot be
processed at this time. I am but one man and as "magical" as I am, this is
not a request that I can fulfill. I do not have any pull at the United
Nations or NATO and I am not in the business of enforcing peace throughout
the world. I can assure you however, that any persons involved in the act of
prohibiting "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" will receive sticks
for Christmas. Coal is no longer distributed as it is now a valued commodity
and distribution of this substance could be construed as a true and real
gift.
In the future, please limit your requests to tangible items, i.e., bicycles,
candy, rocking horses etc. Because there is limited space on the sled and
because the sled is only powered by eight tiny reindeer, I respectfully ask
that you not request new cars or houses as these requests will not be
granted. I hope you understand that I must be able to fit gifts for the
entire world into the sled.
Also, requests for cash will not be granted. The items I deliver are
handmade by elves and it would be in violation of the laws of all nations to
manufacture currency. I'm sure you realize that I am not going to put my
staff or myself in a position that would result in incarceration.
If you would like to submit a revised request, please feel free to do so.
All requests are honored on a first come, first serve basis and will be
filled only if time permits. If your request cannot be accommodated this
season, it will be submitted at the top of next season's list.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho,
Santa Clause
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When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel.
We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.
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"Top Ten Gift Comments"
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.
10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"
9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"
8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"
7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"
6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"
5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"
4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"
3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"
2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"
And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"
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Oneliner
"There's only two more days to procrastinate before Christmas."
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CleanPun - "Drinks"
Physiology: The study of carbonated drinks.