"JetBlue is now charging $7 for a blanket and a pillow. So
now you'll be able to get a solid eight hours sleep on the
runway." -David Letterman
***
"The government of
at the Beijing Olympics by shooting dust into the clouds.
Because that's the problem with
enough crap in the air." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I watched the Teen Choice Awards last night. I didn't even
recognize the categories. Then it hit me...I'm a geezer!"
-Craig Ferguson
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A bricklayer at my husband's construction job routinely com-
plained about the contents of his lunch box. "I'm sick and
tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day.
"Tonight I'll set my wife straight."
The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to
hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the brick-
layer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be
creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point
across."
He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened
his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut-
and a hammer.
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I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in
were learning to scuba-dive. "We used the buddy system," he
said, "and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters."
Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you
do if you see a shark?"
My son said, "Swim faster than my buddy."
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A Matter Of Trust
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
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In the Bible
Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend,
a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls,
and a Pizza Hut coupon.
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Personal trainer uses Wii games
Dorothy Evans, a personal trainer at Gravity Fitness in the Le Parker Meridien hotel, said she first instructs clients in actual sports -- for example, boxing -- then has them play the Wii Sports counterpart to the activity, the New York Post reported.
"I use it in what we call 'active recovery time,' during which normally I would have them do a wall sit," she said. "But this is like a reward."
She told the newspaper the video games give many of her clients more of a workout than they were expecting.
"You'd be surprised. It may have little to do with the real sports, but we get people's heart rates up to 140 to 150 beats per minute -- although some of that may just be the excitement of the game," Evans said to the Post.
The trainer may be on to something -- a recent study by the American Council on Exercise found Wii Sports games to burn nearly as many calories as the real thing, the Post report said. Boxing, for example, burns an average 10.2 calories per minute, while Wii Boxing burns an average 7.2 calories per minute.
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'Sneaker-heads' await latest design
One pair of self-admitted sneaker-heads, Eddie Ortiz and his 17-year-old son Eddie Ortiz Jr., said they had been camping out in front of the Ubiq footwear store in downtown
"People look at you like, 'A pair of sneakers?"' the elder Ortiz told the station. "But they don't understand, it's a culture," much like collecting baseball cards or comic books.
Store officials said 26 people had lined up by Tuesday morning.
The latest $225 sneakers to be released were designed by Ahmir "Questlove" Thompson, drummer for the Grammy-winning hip-hop band, The Roots. The red, green and gold Air Force 1 sneakers as part of the 1World collection, which is set to eventually feature 18 designs, KYW-TV said
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Wonderful New Product
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold ass much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].
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Secret of His Success
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."