hUMOR For Aug 25th

"Resume Cover Letters"

These were taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in "Fortune" Magazine:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

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Oneliner

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

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CleanPun - "Dance Request"

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty senior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

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Here is today's PearlyGates item - ”Poker Question”

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"

The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"

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Doggone Brilliant

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

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Marketing Speak

Cindy McCain discovered that her husband's great great uncle, Gunther McCain, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.

The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther McCain; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

After letting the Republican Party's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist John's campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:

"Gunther McCain was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."

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Wrong Bank

A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: "This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag." Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note.

So he left the bank and crossed the street to the Bank of America. He waited in line, then handed the note to the teller. After reading the note, the teller determined that the man was not very bright. So he told him he could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Bank of America deposit slip or go back to the Wells Fargo.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and returned to the Wells Fargo where he was arrested while standing in line.

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Made Where?

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.