The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm
doing, someone else does.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Annoying Other People
* Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of November.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Toothbrush Sales
The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.
Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.
They all said, “This tastes like MUD!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Only in
- Only in
- Only in
- Only in
- Only in
- Only in
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lying Politician
A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.
"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good
resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them
as usual." -Mark Twain
***
"New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless,
of course, those tests come back positive" -Jay Leno
***
"Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank
where they have no account." -Oscar Wilde
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The current scandals over how large companies have been
cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course
I took years ago. The professor was explaining an
accounting method called First In Last Out, which is
useful for industries that accumulate large inventories
of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example,
reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil
shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had
to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the
1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current
market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.
One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me,
sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."
To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class,
son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her
to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they
go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband
steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same
thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with
about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off
a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and
drops into the cup. The husband looks at this, and says, "OK,
now you know how to play, let's go home."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Feeding Shamu
At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why.
No amount of cajoling or persuading could get him to change his mind.
Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason he had been so reluctant.
His aunt, when telling him how exciting the show would be, had told him "They choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"More Newspaper Bloopers"
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on "Destructive Pests". A large number were present.
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished.
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the
The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily living.
The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in
The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.
"Moby Dick", the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.
Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be followed by Friday.
The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck suppers.
The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came down the aisle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Oneliner
"I never make misakes."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanPun - "Seat Warmers"
Sam and Ruth from
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is.............rear defrosters."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
”Candle Help”
Mrs. Donovan was walking down
The priest said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donvan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Fadder."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Fadder."
Father Flaherty said, "Well, now, I'm goin' to
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Fadder." They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again and Father Flaherty asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Fadder!"
The priest then asked, "And tell me, have ye any been blessed with any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Fadder! T'ree sets o'twins and
He then responded, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband?"
She replied, "E's gone to