Do You Realize...
A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a
man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of
minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the
United States Congress?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all
right. I'll trust you anyway."
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An American and an Irishman
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows.
The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"
"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.
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Don't Touch Me
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".
"Why not", he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead".
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"
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If I could hit the ball that way ...
Bob Gibson, known for his sarcastic wit, caught teammate Curt Flood off guard with a rare compliment as Gibson watched him take batting practice."Way to hit the ball, roomie. If I could hit the ball that way, I'd take off my toeplate and retire from pitching," Gibson said.
Flood smiled.
"In fact, roomie,'' Gibson continued, "If I hit the way you do, I think I'd also retire from baseball."
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For The Kids...
How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?
She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas!
What do witches ring for in a hotel?
B-room service!
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
What's the first thing that a wizard does in the morning?
He wakes up!
What do you call a wizard who's black and blue all over?
Bruce!
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A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very
frustrated and he began his sermon, "All members of this
parish are going to hell if they don't change their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was
laughing.
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this church!"
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The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy,
regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:
"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to
get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."
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"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W
as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
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Maybe carrots will give me strong, sharp eyes, but what if they also give me
long floppy ears?
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Another smart lawyer
A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or
just slow down?"
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Appeal a CaseLawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
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A policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that
a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses,
he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who
claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?"
inquired the officer.
"Sir," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of
the pole."
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Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you understand me?
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This dog loves people
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men.""Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Writing letters to son
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Phone company's errors
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Phone Company Gives Something for NothingDear Ann,I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5 and forget about it.+++++++++++++++++++++
Converting to metric
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:All signs metricNext 20 miles+++++++++++++++++++++
Begin emergency landing
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.The vibration stopped immediately.A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.