"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
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Vet BillsWhile waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs."What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman."Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
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Boss
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. "That one costs 2,000 dollars." "And what does that one do?" the man asked. The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
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Stricter with the screening process
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.” The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.” He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?” The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .” “Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”
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More Predicting the Future
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon,
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Ticket, Please!
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
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During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject
at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
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With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my
husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often
remarked on how cute she was. One day I was standing with her in the
supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.
My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"
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The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger
and bigger the closer they get. Then it hit me.
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While visiting my brother's home in Flori a few days ago, Vern shared with me a terrifying experience he endured as a young boy learning to use the toilet rather than his potty chair. To discover the source of his agony, please open the attachment. As former President Clinton said, "I feel hyou pain."
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Late for work
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance. During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"
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Join the Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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Just Ask Me
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
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Mary Lou
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?" "I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!" "Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on." Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work. "What the heck was that for?" he demanded. "Your dog just called."
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A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a
pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious
arguments.
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend,
when he was horrified to see his friend go into a non kosher Chinese
restaurant. Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter
and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying
a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and
other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi
burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no
longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this
restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of
everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent
enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"
The Rabbi nods yes.
"Did you see me order this meal?"
Again he nods yes.
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"
Again he nods yes.
"And did you see me eat it?"
The Rabbi nods yes.
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under
Rabbinical supervision."