CleanQuote
"The universe is made of stories, not of atoms."
- Muriel Rukeyser
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Wacky Headline
Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?
Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".
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What's the Difference?
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for
"But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.
Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
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Barking
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your spouse's barking at the front. Who do you let in?
Well, it's your call, but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
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Seeing the Light
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
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Countering the Question
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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"Application For Loan From Dad"
APPLICATION FOR A LOAN FROM DAD
By W. Bruce Cameron
www.wbrucecameron.com
The following loan application was received in August from my college-aged daughter, who is applying for a loan from Dad.
Please indicate the amount of the loan:
(a) Last time you loaned me $300, so if you loan me more this time, I won't have to ask again for awhile. Like, $500 would be best.
(b) I also need money for gas, but that's separate.
(c) How much have you got?
When will you pay back the loan?
(a) infinity
(b) longer
(c) pay it back? Ha ha.
Residence: Please provide current address, and whether you rent or own.
I live independently at college. There's no rent or anything, the school pays for it. One of my girlfriend's father bought her a house to live in, which is like a really good idea because it saves money and that way I would be even more independent. I need you to do my laundry.
Describe credit history:
It wasn't my fault I haven't been able to pay you back from the other times I've borrowed money but I'm going to just as soon as I have some extra bucks.
Purpose of loan (how will the funds be used?):
(a) A bunch of us are going to take a quick trip to the lake before school starts. I need a break, all I do is work!
(b) I don't know, I just need money! If I took the time to try to figure out where I am spending every penny, I would never have any time to study. You do want me to study, don't you?
(c) I am an adult and shouldn't have to answer this question.
Acknowledgement: Applicant has received and read the lender's disclosure of how tough college was when he was young, how little money he spent and how hard he had to work for it:
(a) no, not disclosed.
(b) yeah, whatever.
Job History:
(1) Supposed to rake the back yard. In this position I was responsible for getting the rake out of the garage, raking up the leaves, putting the leaves in bags, putting the bags out for collection, and putting the rake away. My manager in this instance was a grumpy man who acted all mean about it, and it wasn't my fault that my best friend in the world from high school showed up and wanted to take me to lunch.
(2) Supposed to paint the house this summer. I had the same grumpy manager. This was a really difficult job and I was going to do it but then I ran out of time. It's not my fault, all I do is work!
(3) Part time at the clothing store. This worked out really, really well because I got a discount on everything I bought. Also they let me have a house charge account. Can you send them another payment this month?
Reference: Please provide the name of at least one person who will always know how to find you.
(a) My roommate Cathy except when you call late on a Friday night and then she'll act all guilty and secretive.
(b) What do you mean, "find me"? You know where I am; I'm at college.
(c) You know, this is really none of your business.
Collateral: Please enter the current value of the automobile you are driving, including an explanation of the damage to the right rear fender.
(a) What? How did that happen? I never noticed it before! Well it's not my fault. I really need a new car. Cathy's father got her an Audi, it is really cute and it winds up saving money in the end because it gets such good gas mileage.
Disbursement of Funds:
Please deposit directly into my account for me, I don't have time to run to the bank. Also, I need that gas money in cash, could I have that now? Also I need money for food. Can I borrow your blender?
I, the undersigned, hereby testify that the information herein is accurate, except maybe I should have $600 so I can buy some new clothes because school is just starting. Unless you just want to let me borrow the credit card. That way, you're not out any money!
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Weird News
108-year-old safe yields no treasure
The 10-ton manganese-steel alloy safe, which has been at the Allegheny County Controller's Office, turned out to be full of pencils, office records, stationary and notes, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported.
"I didn't think there would be anything of value. Historically, it's about what we expected," Controller Mark P. Flaherty said.
Diebold Inc. workers said it took them about 45 minutes to get the old safe to pop open for the first time in at least 35 years.
County officials are preparing to inspect the items to decide what may be given to the Historical Society of Western Pennsylvania, the newspaper said.
Officials say the safe may be sold online, given to the historical society, or divided into piece
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More than 4,000 Chinese named for Olympics
The officials said parents registered about 680 children named Aoyun, a Chinese word for the Olympic Games, in 1992, after
The BBC said Chinese children are often named after events or slogans, including Chinese translations of Defend
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Facebook deletes profiles of cat eaters
The
The students said the cat cooked and eaten as a means of drawing attention to the plight of pigs, cows and other animals used primarily for food.
"We wanted people to think about what it was they were putting in their mouths," said Laura Boge Mortensen, one of the students involved. "It's hypocritical for us to spend thousands of kroner on our pets, yet buy the cheapest pork from Netto that comes from pigs that have lived a horrid life. And just why is it that it's worse to eat a cat than a pig?"
The students said the cat was killed humanely and prepared by a professional chef.
"We had to count to three before we sat down to eat, and I wouldn't really say that we stuffed our face," Mortensen said. "Everyone did take a bite though."
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Ponder This
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station .........
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"I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized that
you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."
-Demetri Martin
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"I was getting my teeth whitened, but then I said forget
that, I'll just get a tan instead." -Mitch Hedberg
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"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's
oldest globe. It's flat." --Buzz
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Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck
hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out
to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was
really good. But after several hours of thrashing through
the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've
been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do
you think we're doing something wrong?"
"I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing
the dog high enough."