Oh Yeah, enjoy

Thanks to LBS: GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

WE MUST GET OUT!

Thanks to MB: WE MUST GET OUT!

Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force.
But it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership.

Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized.

Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of.

Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects there, which we do not understand.

Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.

Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild - which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

Everyday it is becoming clearer and clearer-

WE MUST PULL OUT OF -- CALIFORNIA!

Headphones

Headphones

A blonde walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. She sits down in the chair and says I need my hair cut.

The barber starts to cut the right side then stops. He says, "You need to take off your headphones."

Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"

The barber cuts the right side and goes to the left side. He starts cutting then stops. He says, "You really have to take off your headphones."

Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"

The barber cuts the left side and starts on the back. He starts cutting then stops again. He says, "Now, you REALLY have to take off your headphones!"

Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"

The barber starts cutting, but then stops. He leans over and grabs the blonde's headphones and pulls them off. She chokes, then falls to the ground dead.

The barber picks up the headphones and listens. *Breathe In... Breathe Out... Breathe In... Breathe Out...*

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?


Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.