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One Call
The two teenagers were arrested. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."
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Gospel Preachers: How can you tell
that Peter and John were gospel preachers?
Because when the lame man asked for money Peter said
"silver and gold have I none".
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Show and Tell: A kindergarten
teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object to
share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and
said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is
a Star of David." The second student got up in front
of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a
Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got
in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy.
I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
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TRAVELING CHRISTIAN LADY
There was a Christian lady who had to do a lot of
traveling for her business, so she did a lot of
flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took
her Bible along to read. It helped her relax. One time
the man next to her gave a little chuckle when she
pulled out her Bible. After a while he turned to her
and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in
there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do.
It's the Bible." He said, "Well what about that guy
that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh,
Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It's in the Bible." He
asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that
time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't
really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I'll ask
him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
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BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Local Self-Help Network Needs Assistance
Altoona Church Wins Big in Ugly Girls Basketball Game
Take precautions with elderly in heat.
Following lunch, Martha Helms will offer a brief
motivational presentation on how to be goat-oriented
in everyday life.
Our Wednesday Night Service will feature a special
presentation on Guardian Angles.
Sister Lucy has requested prayer for a death in her
family.
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THE CONGREGATION REPLIED
Down in the south, there are many churches known as
"answer back" churches. When the preacher says
something, the congregation naturally replies.
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would
take for the church to become better. He said "If this
church is to become better, it must take up it's bed,
and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk,
Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If
this church is going to become better, it will have to
throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation
replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If
this church really wants to become great, it will have
to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher,
let it fly!" the congregation shouts.
The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to
fly, it will cost money!"
The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let
it walk."
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OU KNOW YOU'RE A MISSIONARY'S KID
WHEN...
You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"
You speak two languages, but can't spell either.
You flew before you could walk.
You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words
mean.
You have a passport, but no driver's license.
You watch National Geographic specials and recognize
someone.
You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
You don't know how to play Pac-Man.
Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..."
five times.
You speak to different ethnic groups in their own
language.
National Geographic makes you homesick.
You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.
You don't know where home is.
You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
You sort your friends by continent.
You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.
You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get
big.
You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any
postal service.
You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
You know what REAL coffee tastes like.
The majority of your friends don't speak English as a
first language.
Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the
sport wrong.
You realize what a small world it is, after all.
You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you
don't have to read the subtitles.
You know how to pack.
All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin
roof.