hUMOR For June 10th

Duck Food

One day while I was working in my office, this duck just

comes waddlin' in. He looks around for a while and then

jumps onto my desk and asks me, "Hey, do you got any duck

food?"

I said, "No, now get outa here." So he jumps back onto the

floor and waddles out of my office.

The next day the same duck comes back, looks around, and

jumps on my desk. "Hey, do you have any duck food?" he asks

again.

"No, now get outa here or I'll nail your feet to the floor."

"Oh, okay," he says and waddles out.

But the next day the duck comes waddling in and jumps on my

desk and asks, "You got any nails?"

"No," I answered.

"Good! You got any duck food?"

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Weird News

Man sells 'ghosts in a bottle'

ORLANDO, Fla. (UPI) -- The one thing you don't want to do when you buy a ghost in a bottle is open it, says a Florida man who makes the novelties with the help of "ghost catchers."

That would let the ghost back out, said John Deese, who vows that his team finds the ghosts in "haunted establishments, cars, hotels, maybe even graveyards." The St. Augustine, Fla., man told WKMG-TV of Orlando, Fla., they then stuff the captured spirits into bottles, which he sells on the Internet.

The first ghost was caught in a farmhouse in Decatur County, Ga., he said. Asked how a ghost is bottled, Deese told the station, "Well, if you went to KFC, you wouldn't ask for (their) secret recipe."

Prominently displayed on the bottles is the warning "open at your own risk."

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Indy family stages toy car 'mini-500'

INDIANAPOLIS (UPI) -- It isn't the Indy 500, but the toy car race staged annually by a set of 11 Indianapolis brothers is an intensely competitive "mini-500," they say.

The Guynn brothers celebrate their semi-annual remote-control car rallies and races on a sophisticated backyard model racetrack complete with a computerized lap counter and stoplight alerts, the Indianapolis Star reported Sunday.

The Guynn brothers, who range in age from 40 to 60, were set to hold their 18th annual open-wheeler Monday -- a 500-lap event around the model track. The newspaper said the leader of the racing group is eldest brother Charlie Guynn, who tolerates little dissent and in the past has ejected his brothers from the race "for driving like Mr. Magoo."

The Catholic family even invites a priest from their church to give an invocation at the beginning of the race, the Star reported.

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Snake-fearing firefighter called for boa

TORQUAY, England (UPI) -- A firefighter with a lifelong fear of snakes was called to a home in England to free a 6-foot boa constrictor trapped behind a radiator.

Owner Nicola Bewer of Torquay in Devon County said she called emergency services after the snake -- named Chaos -- became stuck, the BBC reported.

Snake-fearing Watch Commander Alan Gilson led the rescue effort, the British network said.

It took about 40 minutes to release Chaos unharmed.

"I do not like snakes, they are one of my childhood fears," Gilson said. "I did get my hands on the snake as I thought it was a good opportunity, but the experience has absolutely not cured my fear."

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Mother of two wins hotdog-eating title

PITTSBURGH (UPI) -- A Maryland mother of two was recovering Sunday after eating 29 hotdogs in 10 minutes to win a Pittsburgh-area contest, a report says.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette identified the winner as Juliet Lee, 42, a Maryland native, as the winner of Saturday's Iron City hotdog-eating championship. Lee weighs only 105 pounds and defeated competitors who went by handles such as Steak-bellie and Wing Kong for the title, it said.

Lee may have been a ringer, however. The woman is a nationally ranked hotdog-eating competitor who is next moving on to Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest in Coney Island, N.Y., the newspaper said.

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360°

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."

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Blind Date

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

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Weird News

Thousands gather to watch cheese-chasers

BROCKWORTH, England (UPI) -- Thousands of people showed up Monday to watch competitors participate in the yearly chasing of Double Gloucester cheese down Cooper's Hill in England.

Cheese-chasers from all around the world were drenched in rain and mud during the strange, and risky, event as they ran, tumbled and slid down a steep hill after an over-sized circle of cheese, the Sun reported.

At least 19 people were injured plunging down the dangerously steep slope, the BBC reported.

The event's managers had warned participants the giant circle of cheese would roll, regardless of the weather.

"I have done absolutely no preparation for this, which is worrying. It seems people taking part just dull their fear by having a few drinks beforehand," British comedian Rory McGrath, 52, said as he was getting ready to roll.

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Bar game offers $3 lobsters

HILTON HEAD, S.C. (UPI) -- A company that manufactures machines that dispense real lobsters says five businesses in the Hilton Head, S.C., area have installed its products.

The Lobster Game machines, which debuted years ago in Florida and have recently begun spreading through the Carolinas, costs three dollars to play and awards live lobsters to those who can capture them with the machine's button-operated claw, the (Hilton Head) Island Packet reported Monday.

The company that manufactures the machines, Bluewater Vending, said the machines earn bar and restaurant owners an average $1,000 per day. It said bars and restaurants that contain the machines offer to cook the lobsters for the winners or allow them to take them home.

Bars said some customers $30 or more at a time trying to capture the lobsters.

Employees at Jock's Sports Grill in nearby Bluffton said they briefly operated one of the machines, but got rid of it after customers became too skilled and the machine began running out of lobsters too frequently.

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Teen fined $100 for letting balloon go

NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE, England (UPI) -- A British woman said police were being "petty and vindictive" when they fined her teenage son about $100 for letting a balloon float away.

Max Twizell, 16, was ordered to fork over nearly $100 for littering after he let go of a balloon filled with helium at a charity gathering in Newcastle, England, the Daily Mail reported Sunday.

"Will the council fine every charity that holds a balloon race 50 pounds ($100) per balloon? How about toddlers in prams who accidentally release their helium balloon?" the boy's mother, Lorraine Twizell said.

Stephen Savage, director of regulatory services and public protection, told the newspaper authorities are required to bust those who litter.

"We believe pursuing action against offenses like this sends out an uncompromising message that litter dropping in the city will not be tolerated," he said

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Grandmother busted for kitty posters

DENTON, England (UPI) -- A British woman said she escaped a conviction and fine after authorities warned her to remove posters that sought the owner of a lost cat.

Joy Tracey, a grandmother of three, said she was only trying to get the orange feline, named Copper, back his owners when she put 12 posters on lampposts surrounding her home in Denton, England, Sky News reported.

Tracey said she tried to locate the kitty's owners for two weeks after she found him in her yard, and was surprised when a law enforcement officer called her.

"He said whilst he sympathized, it was an offense, and told me to remove them all from the Denton area or face a hefty fine. The world is going potty with petty officialdom," Tracy said.

Amid a flurry of local media attention about the city's tough reaction to the posters, Tracy was able to return Copper to his rightful home.

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Quick Stop

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes failed. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car.

The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."

The systems analyst said, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it."

The programmer said, "Okay, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again."

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Dumb Galoot

At one of the last all-girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you," she said. Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the big, dumb galoot is in the restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."

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Multiple Storms

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.

"Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student.

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor." replied the student.

"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"

The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."