A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY NO!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher "In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton's lead has dropped from 19 points over Barack Obama to just seven points. She's now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy." --Jay Leno "According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers "There's a new book coming out about Bill Clinton ... and it says Bill Clinton has had a number of one-night stands in Ireland, France, Taiwan, Rio and London. He flies overseas to have sex. That shows how times have changed. Remember the old days? He didn't even have to leave his desk." --Jay Leno "Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler "The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
+++++++++++++++++++
Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
+++++++++++++++++++
Church Bulletin BloopersBest of the bloopers 4U...
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.3. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.5. The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall. Music will follow.13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir.14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.18. The Associate Minister unveiled the Church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."20. Don't let worry kill you, let the Church help.21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.24. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.25. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.26. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.27. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All".28. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of his 300th birthday.29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.30. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.31. Twenty-two members were present at the Church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.32. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.33. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"34. Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett.35. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding".36. On a Church bulletin during the minister's illness: "GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better."37. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the Church secretary.38. The 2000 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and May 11.39. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.40. This afternoon, there will be a meeting at the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be baptized at both ends.41. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.42. The Church is glad to have with us today the Rev. Shirley Green and Mrs. Green. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the hanging of the Greens.43. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.44. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the Church basement Saturday.45. Miss Charlette Manson sang, "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.46. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around thehouse. Don't forget your husbands".47. The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.48. The Service this morning: "Jesus walks on the water". The Service tonight: "Searching for Jesus".49. Sarah remains in the hospital and needs donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor David's Sermons.50. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any Church.51. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".52. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.53. Ushers will eat latecomers.54. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.55. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.56. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.57. Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.58. Evening massage - 6 P.M.59. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.60. Announcement in the Church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".61. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.62. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 63. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.64. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.65. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.66. The Church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.67. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.68. Our youth basketball team is back in action on Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.69. Today is the fifth Sunday of Lint.70. If you are blind or unable to understand English, please ask for assistance.71. The men's group will hear a car talk at noon.72. Great news! Doctors have performed a CAT scan on Pastor McLaren's head and report that they have found nothing!73. The Scripture reading today is from the Gospel according to Luck.
+++++++++++++++++++
Fortune Cookies - In BedAdd some excitement to your next Fortune Cookie message!At the very least, you too can become a Fortune Cookie writer...
The next time you are with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant, when they bring you the Fortune Cookies, make sure that everyone in your group opens their Fortune Cookie in front of everyone – and reads out their fortune message… BUT at the end of their message, they have to add the words, “In Bed”… here’s what could happen!A change of heart may lead to a new living environment in bed.A certain someone will appear who could enhance your life in bed.A dramatic change of scenery is in store for you in bed.A friend will soon bring you a present in bed.A man with brown eyes has a surprise for you in bed.A new chapter in your life is being written in bed.A newspaper item will soon happily affect you in bed.A personal relationship will become more fulfilling in bed.A romantic interlude may have to be postponed in bed.A short stranger will soon enter your life in bed.A sudden change in plans will lead to good fortune in bed.A windfall is coming for you in bed.A worthy cause will appreciate your generosity in bed.Accept no substitutes for that which is genuine in bed.Accept the next proposition you hear in bed.Affairs of the heart shall bring you deep joy in bed.All goes well with your personal life in bed.An official document will arrive soon in bed.An old friend will be your source of strength in bed.An outgoing attitude is the key to your efforts in bed.An unexpected call could be pleasing to a good friend in bed.Avoid taking unnecessary risks in bed.Back away from individuals who are impulsive in bed.Be patient if some luxuries are not out of your reach in bed.Being on time will aid you to succeed this month in bed.Being the first to try something new could be great in bed.By next month, your added responsibilities will be alleviated in bed.
Catch up with various neglected chores in bed.Children will play an important role in your life in bed. (the Michael Jackson fortune cookie!)Clarity of mind helps in decision making in bed.
Don't be hasty; prosperity will knock on your door soon in bed.Don't lose sight of what you want in bed.
Easy times are ahead for you in bed.Enjoy your good company, they are true friends in bed.Fall shall see all your cares and worries slip away in bed.Family relationships will improve with time in bed.Feelings of goodwill to all should lighten your mood in bed.Find some time to look up some older relatives in bed.Find the road to your happiness by helping others in bed.Follow the advice of your heart in bed.Follow your instincts, they are valid in bed.Functioning superbly will come automatically to you in bed.Give your undivided attention to things that are basic in bed.If planning study or training, now is the time to go ahead in bed.If you have any doubts at all, hold off on decisions in bed.If you have money in hand, spend it on improving yourself in bed.Important associates will be there for you if needed in bed.Important news about your job will come soon in bed.It will take maturity and compromise to manage in bed.Joint ventures work out better than going it alone in bed.Judge one not by his charms, but by his qualities in bed.
Keep a 'go-for-it' attitude and you are sure to be a winner in bed.Keep your plans secret for now in bed.
Let no one cause you to violate your principles in bed.Listen to your intuition this month in bed.Look for a priceless bit of news from a loved one in bed.Look to the coming month for a solution to your problem in bed.Luck is on your side if you have patience in bed.Luck is on your side this month in bed.Luck will visit you on the next new moon in bed.Make the most of a period of relative peace and harmony in bed.Make up your mind and do what you want to do in bed.Make way for new career decisions in bed.Minimize expectations to avoid being disappointed in bed.Next month will be a special month for you in bed.Next month will be hectic, yet delightful in bed.Next week you should unveil your idea. Be ready to act in bed.Now is a good time to start something new in bed.Now is the time to depart from your regular routine in bed.Now is the time to enjoy trying something new in bed.Now is the time to resolve all unfinished business in bed.Opportunities to shine in your career will materialize soon in bed.People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner in bed.People you deal with will be more co-operative than usual in bed.Persistence will lead to a promotion soon in bed.Play it safe next month, and it will be a great one in bed.Re-decorating will be in your plans in bed.Rely on long time friends to give you advice in bed.Resist a temptation to take shortcuts of any kind in bed.Sensitivity makes you special, but also makes you vulnerable in bed.Share your happiness with others today in bed.Solutions will come to you while you are walking in bed.Someone close to you will show you the way in bed.Soon a stranger shall enlighten you in bed.Soon you will encounter a whole new world of opportunity in bed.Striving for the best will bring you the best in bed.Success is a sure thing in bed.Success is yours if you continue on the path you have chosen in bed.Take steps now to ensure success in bed.The evening promises romantic interests in bed.The joys of leisure time will be yours in bed.The sky's the limit this month in bed.The social scene will be a lot more fun today in bed.The star of riches is shining on you in bed.The tide of change approaches in bed.The time is right to make new friends in bed.There is a tendency to carry activities too far in bed.There is new hope for projects you had almost given up on in bed.There will be a change in plans this weekend in bed.This is a month of opportunities, but you must stay alert in bed.To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time in bed.Trust him, but still keep your eyes open in bed.Tuesdays & Thursdays stack odds in your favour in bed.
Welcome affectionate gestures from friends or lovers in bed.When the daffodils bloom, so will great joy in your life in bed.With renewed energy, accomplish what you can in bed.You and your loved ones will be happy in your life together in bed.You are a bundle of energy, always on the go in bed.You are a person of culture in bed.You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products in bed.You are heading for a land of sunshine and fun in bed.You are kind and trustworthy by nature in bed.You are next in line for promotion in bed.You are sensitively tuned-in to loved ones creative talents in bed.You deserve respect and will eventually get it in bed.You have all the assistance and luck this month to succeed in bed.You have artistic talent; do something creative in bed.You have got a way with words; maximize on it in bed.You shall attain great wisdom with the passing years in bed.You shall soon achieve perfection in bed.You shall soon gain the attention of those who count in bed.You shall soon make a long overdue personal decision in bed.You will be deeply loved in bed.You will be drawn to the glamour of the stage in bed.You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands to in bed.You will be showered with good luck in bed.You will be successful in any gathering in bed.You will be the centre of a special group's attention in bed.You will discover your hidden talents in bed.You will get comfort from a new relationship in bed.You will get the practical help you have been seeking in bed.You will give some thought to a different lifestyle in bed.You will have an enjoyable experience in bed.You will have good luck and overcome any hardships in bed.You will have many friends when you need them in bed.You will help someone in need in bed.You will make a profitable transaction next month in bed.You will obtain your goal if you maintain your course in bed.You will soon be honoured by someone you respect in bed.You will soon be very proud of someone close to you in bed.Your anxieties are beginning to clear in bed.Your belief in the goodness of mankind will be rewarded in bed.Your dearest wish will come true in bed.Your efforts will be well rewarded. Be patient in bed.Your future looks very promising in bed.Your future will be happy and productive in bed.Your home is a pleasant place from which you draw happiness in bed.Your honesty will be recognized in bed.Your kindness to others shall be returned to you threefold in bed.Your love of peace will affect the course of events in bed.Your luck will soon be at a high in bed.Your magnetic personality will draw people to you in bed.Your mastery of every situation will soon prove very important in bed.Your most difficult problems will soon be nothing in bed.Your partner will be proud of you in bed.Your path is difficult, but will be amply rewarded in bed.Your search for knowledge will lead you to high places in bed.Your self-restraint will pay dividends in bed.Your senior years will be happy & successful in bed.Your talents are in fine shape; utilize them to their fullest in bed.Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded in bed.Your talents will soon be recognized in bed.Your winsome smile will be your sure protection in bed.standard workweek."