BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT "SLEEPING" AT YOUR DESK5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
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"Haircut"
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
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CleanQuote
"Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm."
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"God's Power" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.
As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"
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Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
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Conducting A Music Class
A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole band, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
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Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
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For The Kids...
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie." "If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two pies?"
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A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen
off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you
rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't
approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled
to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be
upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your
father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find
him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever
you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
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HUSBANDS GOING SHOPPING???
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he
go with her to Walmart.
He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and
get out, but Mrs. Fenton
loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of
you from our stores. We
have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was
shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people's carts when
they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in house-
wares... and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as
a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows
where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible"
theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal
position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"