"Martha Stewart got a $500-million bonus on top of her salary last year.
This year, she's asking for her bonus to be paid in candy bars and
cigarettes." - Jim Barach
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Murphy's Laws on Computers
- As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.
- Installing a new program will always mess up at least one
old one.
- You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.
- The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct
proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been
backed up.
- There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose
hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't
crashed - yet.
- Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you
fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it.
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This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again."Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Three Sisters
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"Two Feet"
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.
Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelator."
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"Golf Friendless"
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
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Oneliner
"You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint."
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"Onion Mishap"
Don't panic but I'm in hospital. I have poisoned myself. I ate what I thought was an onion it, turned out it was a daffodil bulb.
Doctor says I'll be out in the spring!
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”Mummy COD”
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK? Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down) Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? It's impossible! You're not very good at this, are you? Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer..... Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe. Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name isMary. Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants? He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.
PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!