Monday, October 15, 2007

hUMOR For Oct 15th

Are you a true elementary school teacher?
Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out: 1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? 2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? 3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? 4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? 5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?" 6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction? 7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? 8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? 9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? 10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? -If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling. -If you answered yes to 7 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement. -If you answered yes to all 10, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!

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Miracle Cure"
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."

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CleanQuote
"Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.

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"Responsibility" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

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Kitchen TableMy son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband yelled. "Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?"Then he went back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home, I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a carburetor.

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"They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington D.C.
President Bush apparently was a little confused... he par-
doned a lasagna." -Dave Letterman

***

"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being
criticized for being out of touch because in a recent
interview he talked about strengthening our relationship
with the Soviet Union, which of course, no longer exists.
Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake, and he plans
to personally apologize to Stalin." -Conan O'Brien

***

"Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the
increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said
they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines
improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you
how to make your business run more efficiently?" -Jay Leno

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At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the
same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in
the company directory and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back
another e-mail:

"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that
noticeable!"

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,
had read:

"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut
that looked like you in the cafeteria."

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Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position."

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Cops and Robbers

Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening, she
was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're
dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up
right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt
in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened
one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only
chance I've had to rest all day."

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Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."

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Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.

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He's only interested in one thing
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class. The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.

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High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

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It's just that simple.

"So, where is today's joke?"

This is it. No joking. Please laugh anyway.

Now that all of that is out of the way, read on for some shameless self
promotion.