A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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Ice CapadesA mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a zamboni driver!"
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Police Dept's Office Answering Machine
Hello, you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail. Pay close attention as
we have to update the choices often as new
and usual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:
To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created
yourself, press 1.
To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about
a problem, press 2.
To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying
to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical
dependency or alcohol, press 5.
If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took
years to deteriorate, press 6.
To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take
enforcement action against you, press 7.
To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to
proclaim our career is over, press 8.
Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support.
Thanks for calling your local police department and have a nice day.
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I'm a customer service rep for a phone company, and one day someone called
to place an order for new services. After gathering his personal
information, I advised the customer that he'd have to provide proof of
residence: a rent receipt, credit card bill, whatever.
A few days later, I received a picture in the mail. It was of a man pointing
to the house behind him.
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"Last year in this country there were more people killed as a result of
firearms than as a result of automobile accidents. A trend that will
continue until we can develop a more accurate automobile." - Jonathan Katz
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"Driving Worries"
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that says "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
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CleanQuote
"A smile is contagious; be a carrier."
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"Grandpa's Prayers" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food.
With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"