Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped
me with chores around the house.
One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We
thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an
all-day job.
"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.
"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think
of me as the son you never had."
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Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was
filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night,
stopping only occasionally for something to eat.
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he
thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the
three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the
verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last
month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some day this
loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for
it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and
whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say
it tomorrow morning."
+++++++++++++++++++
"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get
a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean-
then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a
package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small
children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right
next to the rest of the poisons." - Mike Bullard
+++++++++++++++++++
He can't hit my fastball ...
Before a series, St. Louis manager Frankie Frisch instructed his pitching staff to avoid throwing Brooklyn's Tony Cuccinello a fastball. Dizzy Dean objected. "He can't hit my fastball." He begged Frisch to let him throw Cuccinello a fastball. Frisch refused. Finally with the game in hand, he relented. Dean threw Cuccinello a fastball. Cuccinello hit it out of the park. Dean turned to Frisch. "By gosh, Frankie. You were right for once."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Atheist and the Shark
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vermont Dumb Laws
- Whistling underwater is illegal - At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. - Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. - It is illegal to deny the existence of God - Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Britney Spears was in the news again. She was having
difficulty starting her car outside a nightclub while in
a valet line. The main problem is, you can't start a car
with a Cheeto." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"There is a law waiting approval in the California
legislature to ban spanking. The ironic part if put into
place the fine for spanking will be a slap on the wrist."
-Jay Leno
***
"World Cup soccer fans in Germany are estimated at drinking
17 pints of beer per day. Apparently after 17 beers soccer
becomes interesting." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an-
nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees
are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children
under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."
+++++++++++++++++++
Short & Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please
leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your
call, you are one of the changes."
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your
glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of
an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the
country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird
flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" - Jay Leno