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Grocery Pickup
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - King Ozymndias
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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"Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning."
"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but
you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist." - James Garner
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin
"Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him."
"A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds
of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman
"Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you',
after marriage they are, 'let's eat out'."
"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher." - Socrates
"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect
me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'
"
"It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use
it."
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because she knows that the average man can see much better
than he can think." - Ladies Home Journal
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Michel de Montaingne
"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." - Arthur
Baer
"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry
"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get
married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced."
"If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the
fact that you can't afford divorce." - Jack Nicholson
"The person who marries for money usually earns every penny
of it."
"The most difficult years of marriage are those following
the wedding."
"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life
to be thankful for a good one." - Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
"Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating
with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it."
"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship,
there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies." - Frances Rodman
"Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a
joke."
"Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales."
"There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
"In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems." - Shelley Winters
"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a
higher opinion of him than he deserves." - Edgar Watson Howe
"The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted." - Heywood Broun
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Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."
She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"
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You might be a
redneck if...
1. Your wife/sister complains about that framed
portrait of Hulk Hogan over the fireplace.
2. More than one living relative is named after a
Southern Civil War general.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and
Minutemaid taste test.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
7. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
8. Your front porch collapses and kills more than
three dogs.
10. You've ever used lard in bed.
11. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable
spool.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
14. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
15. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
16. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
17. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors
d'ouvre.
18. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
19. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your
front door to make it look nice.
20. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
21. You own a homemade fur coat.
22. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
23. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
24. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
25. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently
on the floorboard of your car.
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Biblical
Question
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new
teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time
for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's
somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,
right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the
Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So
what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz
all the grown-ups doin"?
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From July 1996 READER'S DIGEST:
SHOOTING FROM THE LIP
Contributed by Todd W. Kaiser
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my
children's world travels: one son was teaching in
Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my
daughter was completing a yearlong research project in
India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me
short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes
your kids want to get so far away?"
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I had just arrived on the scene where a fellow
patrol officer had stopped a motorist for a traffic
violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign
car, the red-faced driver was frantically waiving his
hands and jumping up and down. "I'll have your job
for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied my
unruffled colleague as he wrote out the citation.
"The hours are long, the pay is low and you meet some
of the nastiest people."
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HOW'S THAT AGAIN?
On a coupon for a deli in Ringoes, N.J.: "Present
this ad and receive Free Small Italian with purchase
of a six-pack of soda."
>From a notice announcing a trip to Alaska in the
Glastonbury, Conn., RIVEREAST NEWS BULLETIN: "Four
days of cursing and relaxing aboard the Sun Princess."
Sign posted in front of a restaurant in Spring, Texas:
"Evening special. Men dine half-price when
accompanied by a lady of equal or lesser value."
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QUOTABLE QUOTES
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say
something you haven't thought of yet. Ann Landers
A true measure of your worth includes all the benefits
others have gained from your success. Cullen
Hightower
The most important outcome of education is to help
students become independent of formal education. Paul
E. Gray in TECHNOLOGY REVIEW
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love
one's neighbor. Eric Hoffer
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you
feel like stripping your gears. Barbara Johnson
Having children makes you no more a parent than having
a piano makes you a pianist. Michael Levine
We learn only when it is too late that the marvel is
the passing moment. Francios Mitterand
Ninety percent of politics is deciding whom to blame.
Meg Greenfield in NEWSWEEK