Old Lamp

Old Lamp

There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He
cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!

"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."

So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."

"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"

The guy thinks for a while. "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks,
power windows, you know the works."

"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"

"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."

"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.

So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends.
He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy
starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

One day an out of work mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to
draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the
cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger
crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire
of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to
his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to
the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime
a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day
when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime
is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime
is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the
lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says....

...."Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

TWO LITTLE BEES

Two little bees sittin side by side,
One turned around to the other and cried, "You don't love me any more", said she, "You're actin' like a human, you crazy bee".

"You flit around from flower to flower,
Leaving me alone for hour after hour.
I'm beginning to think the flowers you see Most likely hold another honey bee."

"You never show me any more affection
So you must have another love connection.
Now, this I say, as a matter of fact,
If you don't watch out you're gonna get whacked."

"At the time we started our family
You said that I was you're honey bee
And from that time I've always been true; But can you say the same about you?"

"You must get back on the straight and narrow So I wont be burdened with so much sorrow.
If not, in the future some trouble is loomin', So, please settle down; don't act so human."

Then the other little bee got his turn to speak, "Listen to me, baby, though you think me weak, If you'll let me talk, I'll tell you the truth, Even though you believe me to be uncouth."

"Yeah, I've been gone for many an hour,
And, as you said from flower to flower.
Where else can I go to find some honey,
'Cause unlike a human, we can't live on money."

I'm workin' real hard for you and the kids; Ain't had no time to look for blondes or reds, So, keep your cool and don't get so ired, 'Cause when I come home, I'm just plain tired."

"You talk about me actin' crazy and human, I gotta catch the flowers while they're still bloomin'.
So, I ask you, now, is it me or you?
It's fusses like this I don't wanna go through."

"You tend the kids and I'll fetch the honey, Even though, of late, I'm feelin' kinda' funny.
I've worked myself to the nub of my wings To make a good life full of all the good things."

"Now, like you said, I've also been true; There ain't nobody else for me but you, So, have some patience, don't be suspicious, Right next to honey, I think you're delicious."

Now, the first little bee had a chance to reply, "I'm sorry, sweet baby, and that no lie.
I didn't realize how hard you've been workin', And how my mind, in suspicion's been lurkin'."

"If you'll forgive me, I'll try to be good And I'll do my job, like a good wife should.
I'll stop my fretin' and fussin' and fumin'--- I guess it was me that was actin' so human."

So I'll get back on the straight and narrow, Stop causin' myself such sadness and sorrow.
I'll try to act right, and, to always please, 'Cause, for sure we're not humans; we're only bees.

A TALE OF TWO COWS

A TALE OF TWO COWS

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man.