"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.""Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!""Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.""Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old."No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.""So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?""No, I have one every morning at 6:30."Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?""I don't wake up until 7:00."
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The Box
by Robert Byron
On many of the projects that I have recently worked on, people have told me
to, "Think outside of the box." First of all, I'd like to know what box they
are referring to. Second, why do they assume I'm inside of a box? Third, if
I am inside a box how did I get there? I don't remember climbing into it nor
do I remember being put into one. If I was, it was against my will and
without my knowledge.
It hasn't restricted my breathing. The air doesn't even appear to be stale.
If I am inside a box it doesn't seem to limit my mobility. As I move around,
I'm not kicking the sides so it would seem that it is a rather large box. As
a matter of fact, I have no recollection of ever having run into the sides.
It would seem to me that the box is large enough for me to do all the
thinking I need to do.
Assuming that I am in a box, I have no experience thinking outside of it and
since I have done pretty well so far, I'm not sure that I want to do any
thinking outside of the box. How do I know if I'm qualified to think outside
of the box and if I am, who determines my qualifications? What qualifies a
person to tell me that I should think outside of the box? Do these people
think outside of the box? Do these people even see the box? Do these people
know what they are talking about?
If the new thing is to think outside of the box, shouldn't someone stay in
the box to do some thinking? I mean, if everybody is doing their thinking
outside of the box, who is minding the box? When I have an empty box lying
around, it generally gets thrown away. Do we really want to risk losing the
box where most of us have done our thinking for most of our lives?
If I go outside the box, can I get back in? Can someone guarantee that if I
don't like thinking outside of the box that I can get back in? Before we
tackle this question perhaps we should discuss how to get out of the box to
begin with. Is there a door? I'd prefer an escalator if possible.
I guess when people tell me to "Think outside of the box," I'll just keep
thinking inside the box. How will they tell the difference. Pretty soon
everybody will be thinking outside the box and the new thing will be to
think inside the box. When it is, I'll be ready. I'll already be there.
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If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly
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I just spent several hours observing teenagers who were
hanging out at our local mall. I came to the conclusion that
many teenagers in America are living in poverty. Most of the
young men I observed didn't even own a belt; there was not
one among the whole group.
But that wasn't the sad part -- many of them were wearing
their daddy's jeans. Some of these jeans were so big and
baggy that they hung low on their hips, exposing their
underwear. I know some of them must have been ashamed that
their daddies were short, because the jeans hardly went
below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good
jeans, for most of them had holes ripped in the knees and
had a dirty look to them. It grieved me that in a modern,
affluent society like America, there are people who can't
afford a decent pair of jeans. I have been thinking about
asking my church to start a jeans drive for the "poor kids
at the mall."
I don't think this group of guys even had much to eat,
because as they were walking, their heads leaned to one side
as if they didn't have enough strength to keep them up. Oh,
they tried. With each step, they tried to lift them up, but
to no avail: they always dropped back to the side. This
group of guys must be from the same family, because they all
walked with their heads bobbing together in the same manner.
But that wasn't the saddest part. It was the girls they were
hanging out with that disturbed me the most. I have never in
all of my life seen such "poor" girls. These girls had the
opposite problem of the guys -- they all had to wear their
little sisters' clothes. Their jeans were about five sizes
too small. I don't know how they could even put them on, let
alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their
hipbones.
Most of them also had on their little sisters' tops; it
hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they were trying to
hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to
see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.
However, it was their underwear that bothered me the most.
They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of
their clothes, also had their underwear exposed. I have
never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear
was only held together by a single piece of string.
I know it also saddens your heart to receive this report on
the condition of our American teenagers. While I go to bed
every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are
millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to
keep it together. I think their "poorness" is why these two
groups gather at the mall, the boys with their short
daddies' ripped jeans, and the girls wearing their younger
sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find
acceptance.
So, the next time you are at the mall doing your shopping
and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say
a prayer for them?
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"Wheat Exports"
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
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Oneliner
"If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide them underwater?"
- Ed Penland
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CleanPun - "New Minister"
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.
Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.
"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."