Preacher's Best Years
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended
a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for
their ministry.
Among the presenters were many well-known and dynamic
speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and,
gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best
years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that
wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by
saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of
his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing
a try and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the
pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in
his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest
years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman
that was not my wife!"
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned
silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the
pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she
was!"
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"I believe blind people can fall in love, too, so I don't believe in love at
first sight." - Ashton Kutcher
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British Airways flight 602
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
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They Walk Among Us
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Boulevard and Parmer Lane. ==== I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free lattes and I walked out the door.
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Under the wagon
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon." "That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." "Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset." "Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied Willis.
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Age Exemption
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.
She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"
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"ID Card"
The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.
"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.
"We burn it" was the answer.
"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.
"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."
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Oneliner
"Vacation: A two-week-long experience where money and time race against each other until both are totally exhausted."
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"Restaurant Chain"
Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.
They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"
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I'm WorriedTwo kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"
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”Three Holy Men and a Bear”
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first
performance of the Ice Capades.
She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat
even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice
was cleaned. At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know
what I want to be when I grow up!"
The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years,
starring in the Ice Capades. She was brought back to earth
when she continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"