A real estate agent had just closed his first deal, only to
discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely
under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he
said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are
you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
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My brother, Dan, was discussing holidays with his young son, Phillip, when Dan asked Phillip, "What is the holiday that comes after Labor Day when you have dinner with a turkey?"
Phillip quickly answered, "Daddy’s birthday!"
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"Pay Mistakes"
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake but not two in a row!”
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Oneliner
"By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you."
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"Fast Driver"
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
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CleanQuote
"Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done."
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"Communication"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As the shopping centre's marketing director, I was putting the finishing touches on an ad. I asked Nancy, the newspaper's sales representative, how to spell "eligible." She wrote it down on a card she fished from her purse. I completed the copy, returned the card to her, and she left.
Not long after, I received a call from the manager of one of our shoe stores. He asked if I knew if Nancy was married. I told him I thought so and asked why he was interested. "She just gave me her business card," he said, "and on the back she's written 'eligible'."
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What's Good Tonight?
Our family-owned restaurant is the setting for many of our
discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I
braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question
posed to my husband.
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A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you
have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even
consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's
mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
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New York's Governor Pataki proposed a new commission that would oversee all
gambling in New York, including lotteries, horse racing and casinos.
Not surprisingly, the new gambling commission will be called, "The Mafia."
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A man walks into the kitchen and finds his wife sitting at the table sobbing
wildly. "What's the problem?" he asks.
She replies, "My brother called to wish me happy birthday."
"So why did that upset you?" he asks.
"He's been arrested." she wails
"What was he charged with?"
"I don't know," she sobs."He just said he was calling me on his cell phone."
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"There were thirteen kids in my family. We were so poor we had to eat
cereal with a fork so we could pass the milk on to the next kid." - Bernie
Mac
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"Boyfriend"
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.