I Hope I'm Sick
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said
to himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"
After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist
couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world
would you want to be sick, Mr. Adams?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Boy, there is nothing but disasters in the news. It's unbelievable. Floods in the Midwest, fires in
"A new CNN poll just came out about the campaign. Interesting results. ... A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, 'How much wine have they had?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Spring is finally here! Spring, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, and Eliot Spitzer turns to the Yellow Pages." --Bill Maher
"President Bush's approval rating has reached a record low -- 31%. Wow. His popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends." --Jay Leno
"In
"
"Anyway, critics are pouring over Osama bin Laden's latest audio tape. Simon called it pretentious. Paula said it was not his best work. And Randy said, 'Dog, it's just not working for me.'" --Jay Leno
"A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O'Brien
"The good news is ... on YouTube, the Obama speech now is getting watched more than the clips of the pastor. ... The bad news is that it's still far behind the footage of Spitzer's hooker on 'Girls Gone Wild.'" --Bill Maher
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Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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A Greater Insult
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are horse's rear ends!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m a horse's rear end.”
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This Year's Award Winners
Britney Spears & Eminem - Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.
Dr. Phil McGraw - Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
Bill Gates - For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
The Editors of Maxim - For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.
Jared - Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.
That 300 Pound Guy - Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.
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"Tragic news today — Herb Peterson passed away. He was the
creator of the Egg McMuffin. He was 89. He said the secret
to a long life was to never eat Egg McMuffins." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The U.N has announced they have concrete evidence of global
warming. And right now they are working hard, around the
clock to do nothing about it." -Dave Letterman
***
"Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to
travel through time. For years now I've known of a potion
that can let you travel through time..it's called tequila."
-Craig Ferguson
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A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful
examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to
choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down
his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his
throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a pan of warm water. "Ok, after
the tablet dissolves, you can sit here and soak that foot for
at least 20 minutes."
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Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to
my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said
that men are not all like this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said, inconsolable. "Men are good for only
one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to
parallel park?"
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Stolen Credit Card?
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I hadn't signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
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"1-800-45TEACH"
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
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Oneliner
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?"
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"Flat Cat"
Mr. Frobisher walked anxiously to the house and knocked.
When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”
The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at catching mice?”
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”GI Rally”
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "The cook's working for the Germans!"