"Car Privileges"
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the
kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to
our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we
home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole
breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out
of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his
daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital
our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out
much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to a MountainWings subscriber. . .
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in
Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date but has
never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and
musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they
make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies and
drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it
through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the
bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop
throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20
minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's
afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester and take the train to New York
City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and
he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom.
They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but
he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels
another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete
bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the
rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at
the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little
bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh no!" he
thinks (and feels the surprise). Instead of running to the
bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of
his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains
this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out
what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell or (b) start
to show stains on the outside.
He quickly pays for dinner, and they leave the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass The Gap clothing
store.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was
looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into The Gap. Fortunately, at The Gap, men's fashions
are on the right, women's are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach and hurries
back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely
resembles his current outfit, he brings both items to the
register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of
the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the
pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet
away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they
leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the
station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without
sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom
in the back of the car.
He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly
rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball
and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he
opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here with at this happy time of year, a few
confessions from my beating heart: I have no freaking
clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover
of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog
biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at
the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and
Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my
life if I know who they are and why they have broken
up? Why are they so important? I don't know who
Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at all
about Tom Cruise's wife. Am I going to be called
before a Senate committee and asked if I am a
subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick
and Jessica are. If this is what it means to be no
longer young. It's not so bad.
Next confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was
Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit
when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled
trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I
don't feel discriminated against. That's what they
are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry
Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me
or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I
kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and
sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It
doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene
on display at a key intersection near my beach house
in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine
with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew,
and I don't think Christians like getting pushed
around for being Christians. I think people who
believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed
around, period. I have no idea where the concept came
from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I
can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it
being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea
come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and
we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.
But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick
and Jessica came from and where the America we knew
went to. In light of the many jokes we send to one
another for a laugh, this is a little different: This
is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's
intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early
Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let
something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina)
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful
response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened
by this, just as we are, but for years we've been
telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of
our government and to get out of our lives. And being
the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed
out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and
His protection if we demand He leave us alone?" In
light of recent events...terrorists attack, school
shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine
Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found
recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our
schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better
not read the Bible in school the Bible says thou shalt
not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor
as yourself. And we said OK. Then Dr. Benjamin Spock
said we shouldn't spank our children when they
misbehave because their little personalities would be
warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr.
Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert
should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no
conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and
why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their
classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think
about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.
I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT
WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and
then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how
we believe what the newspapers say, but question what
the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through
e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you
start sending messages regarding the Lord, people
think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude,
vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through
cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed
in the school and workplace. Are you laughing? Funny
how when you forward this message, you will not send
it to many on your address list because you're not
sure what they believe, or what they will think of you
for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about
what other people think of us than what God thinks of
us.