Keep an Eye on Your Cousin
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
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Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if
they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a quarter.
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A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail,
rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
There were no injuries.
The stunt men then went to work where they got in a van that spun out of
control on an icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot
embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
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Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.
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Saying Grace
A family had invited some friends to dinner.
At the table, the father turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother told the girl.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did we invite all these people to dinner?"
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IndecipherableThis software engineer is on vacation in the western U.S. when he stops to use an ATM to get some cash. "I'm accustomed to being prompted for my language of choice, and this particular ATM had a nice list to choose from," says the engineer. "But after I selected 'English,' the next screen said: 'You have selected English for your language. Please press Enter to confirm your selection.' Gee, if I'd actually made a mistake and this was in a foreign language, how would I know what to do?"
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2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda*
7:00 pm Opening flag burning 7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. 7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry
9.00 pm Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn 11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean 12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi 1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home
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Two men met recently and struck up a conversation. One was telling the other
about some problems he was having with one of his kids.
After a while the other guy said, "You think you have family problems? A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my
stepmother and my father became my stepson.
"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter
of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because
he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which
made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son,
my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.
"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my
son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather! And you think you
have family problems?"
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The obstetrician was used to seeing some unusual tattoos when he was working
in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her
abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," the doctor commented.
With a sad smile, she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
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Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container.
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Ingonish, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties."We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one Mountie.""Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.The Mounties looked at each other.One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some reallygreat news. Which do you want to hear first?"Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first."The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size king crabs clinging to her."Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
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While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold
country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he
had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement
that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he
said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural
antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he
said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white
people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are
going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait until you see the idiots I
put there."