Thursday, September 09, 2004

hUMOR For Sept 9

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Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
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When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
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Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."

No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.

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Benefits of Being Over Sixty


1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

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College Graduate

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

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The End of the Journey by Bob Craig

I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.

His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,

The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.

The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told

A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.

Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.

My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.

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A Farmer's Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

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LOVING THE UNLOVELY

The author of this touching story is unknown:

The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.

Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.

As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.

With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.


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