"Speeding Registration"
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno "Are you folks excited about the 2008 presidential campaign? ... Hillary Clinton says that if she's elected, she will name her husband Bill Clinton a roving ambassador to the world. ... Hmmm. Let me think about this. Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife? No, I can't see anything going wrong there." --David Letterman "Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great, I love Pokemon.'" --Conan O'Brien "Some other world class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner. This is where politicians cut loose and make fun of each other and themselves. Last year Stephen Colbert was the headliner, but he was a little bit too funny for their liking I guess, because this year, they went a slightly safer route. They exhumed Rich Little to be the MC. ... Now, when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he's nowhere to be found." --Jimmy Kimmel "Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno "President Bush was in town. ... He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue. It's part of his program 'No Cash Left Behind'" --David Letterman "Bill Clinton announced he'll be flying to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia Boris Yeltsin. At least, that's what he's telling Hillary." --Conan O'Brien "Sheryl Crow was at the dinner to raise awareness of global warming, and she has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. ... So in other words, don't ever shake Sheryl Crow's hand" --Jimmy Kimmel
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Blackbeard's Photo
Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself. So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo. He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please Poseidon!"
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Lawyers Playing Poker
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!" "How can you tell?" Phillips asked. "Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
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For The Kids...
What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend?Hello gore-juice! What do you get if you cross a river with an inflatable wizard?To the other side! What do wizards stop for on the motorway?Witchhikers! What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a wizard?Tyrannosaurus hex! Why do witches wear pointy black hats?To keep their heads warm!
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Two friends met in the street. One man looked rather forlorn
and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come
you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an
uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."
"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck
for you, eh?"
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin
I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand,
free and clear."
"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited
almost one hundred thousand dollars."
"Incredible! So how come you look so glum?"
"Well, this week ... nothing!"
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"Today President Bush visited the super secret NSA headquarters. Awkward
moment, Bush asked to see the cone of silence." - Jay Leno
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Parents Worst Nightmare
Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Dorothy
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Wife Was Mad at Me
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, 'Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn't stop!' The other Buddy says, 'When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.' 'How do you do that?' says the other. 'It's easy! I turn off the light!'
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Short Legal Laughs
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell? ==== Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories. ==== There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight. ==== Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
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For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Kit!Kit who? Kit me quick! Knock KnockWho's there?Kitty!Kitty who? Kittyzen Kane! Knock KnockWho's there?Koch!Koch who? Koch in the act! Knock KnockWho's there?Kristin!Kristin who?Kristin the baby in church! Knock KnockWho's there?Kurt & Conan!Kurt & Conan who?Kurt & Conan down down on the last act!