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More Good Advice From Kids
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11 "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9 "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11 "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -Naomi, age 15 "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren, age 9 "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10 "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13 "Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8
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In this crazy world we live in, every 60 seconds a minute happens.
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A Following Person
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office." "I wonder why," the teacher mused. "Because he's a following person," Alice replied. "A what?" the teacher asked. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"
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Bigamy
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
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Dad, can you write in the dark?
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?" His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?" Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
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Inspiring Music
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."
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"Better Preaching"
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."
"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.
"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
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CleanQuote
"Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can't tell you where their children are tonight."- Lawrence Brotherton
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Illustration - "Red Tape" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.
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Little Known IllnessesAFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of 70's hair styles.DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
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Joggers
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still
far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next
city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an
hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place
he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging
routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a
knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again
and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other
joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off
when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir? It's 8:45."
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Physics Professor
A physics professor at a state university in Michigan was famous for his animated lectures. He was short and thin with wild white hair and an excited expression. In lecture he would through himself from the top of desks and throw frisbees to students in the back row to illustrate various principles. One day in class he was spinning on an office chair holding weights in each hand when he lost his balance and tumbled into the first row. He apologized to his class for going off on a tangent.
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Pay up!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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What is 2 * 2 ?
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?" Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it". Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system". Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know?" Medical Student : "I memorized it."