NMF...
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates
would go up.
"Our underwriting department determines that", I replied. Then I
asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I said,
"NMF? Is that 'N' as in Nancy, 'M' as in Mary, and 'F' as in Frank?"
"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters
that it's also 'N' as in Not, 'M' as in My, and 'F' as in fault?"
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"Noise Abatement"
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
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Today's Oneliner
"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
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"Tomb Visit"
"I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot."
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I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The
pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm
reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was
obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've
been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have
some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more
faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those
white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head
with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more
faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
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"In Heaven "
It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who met an old friend after many years.
"How is your wife?"
"She is in heaven," replied the friend.
"Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized this was not the thing to say.
"I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad."
That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."