Young Physicist
A young physicist, upon learning that he was denied tenure after six productive years at a University in
At the meeting, the Provost told the young physicist, "I'm sorry to tell you that the needs of the University have shifted somewhat, during the past six-years leading up to your tenure decision. In point of fact, what we now require is a female, condensed-matter experimentalist. Unfortunately, you are a male, high-energy theorist!"
Dejected but not defeated, the young physicist thought for a moment about the implications of the Provost's words. "Sir," he said, "I would be willing to convert in two of the three categories you mention, but ... I'll never agree to become an experimentalist!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Perjury
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice cream?
A. In floats.
Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?
A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add
one dinosaur!
Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
A: Ice cream.
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl
of ice cream by its diameter?
A: Pi a' la mode.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Today, Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia
filed for divorce. And because
perty state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"
go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which
leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault
will it be?'" -Jay Leno
***
"A German airline is offering nude flights. What a tremendous
idea. How many times have you been on a flight and looked
around and said, 'Gee, if only I could see these people
naked.'" -David Letterman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she
double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from
a tree."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I knew I had been in the military too long when my five-year-
old daughter sang her version of "Silent Night." It went like
this: "Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright,
Round yon virgin mother and child, Holy infantry, tender and
mild..."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dog Calls
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one
morning at four forty four AM by his ringing telephone. . .
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said his angry neighbor.
Bernard thanked the caller politely.
The next morning at precisely four forty four AM Bernard called his
neighbor back . . .
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things We Can Learn From a Dog
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout – run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Course Card
It used to be that a requirement for a college student to receive
credit for a particular course was a card that listed his or her
courses, signed by the instructor/lecturer of those courses. It was,
at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending
on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive
credit, even after not attending the class regularly.
Not so, with this physics professor. If he didn't recognize you, you
would have to repeat the course. On one occasion, a student handed
his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the
student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.
Being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded
to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his
card to the professor. The professor looked at the name, then at the
student, and said, "You look familiar. Okay," and signed the card.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow
- Text on Web pages display as Morse Code.
- Graphics arrive via FedEx.
- You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput
- You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later.
- Your credit card expires while ordering on-line. - Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"...for 1989.
- You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Ping Pong".
- Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
- You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
- You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Scream For Me
Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Special Cure
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."