Monday, April 10, 2006

hUMOR For April 10th

"Parking Solution"
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.
The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Homewood, Ala., when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a wad of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Apple sues Apple Corp.
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Apple Corporation Sues Itself.

[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.

An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.

Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality."

The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Closing down Denny's
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People with busy lives
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

St. Paul, Minnesota:

For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New military tourism
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Moscow, Russia:

First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet. Then 30 seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training device.

Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a Russian submarine, tank or missile ship.

Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a new fad: military tourism.

The only requirements are a taste for adventure and plenty of cash.

As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet, passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly rise from the aircraft's floor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pathetic lawsuits
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

January 16, 1993

In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender.

On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.

In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Home burglar survey
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

February 1, 1993

A survey of home burglars' work preferences published in Whittle Communications' Special Report magazine revealed that 32 percent like to browse through family photographs while on the job, 27 percent like to raid the refrigerator, and 7 percent watch TV.

Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20-minute maximum, 17 percent wondered what their victims were like, and 59 percent said a dog in the home was the most effective burglary deterrent.