One day a boy and his grandparents came to visit the 100-year-old church, a
national landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the
church, the grandfather was explaining some of the features, and the boy
listened attentively. Then they reached the confessional in the back.
"I know what this is!" the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather.
"This is time out, isn't it?"
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After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the
church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was
transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the
Municipal Golf Course."
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"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn
well."- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
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FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.... " He sighed.............."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Have a happy day, smiling uses fewer less than a frown
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If you HAVE kids, you must read this (& maybe POST IT BY THE TABLE for frequent review.).
If you WERE a kid, you must read it and smile.
LAWS PERTAINING TO DESSERT
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: if you have eaten most of your meat and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or a total of six pease, eaten were I can see and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
LAWS WHEN AT TABLE
And if you are seated in your high chair or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and elbows off the table and your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk without uttering a slurp, gulp, or any other noise that should reach my eears. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for. If you will dip your blocks in the milk and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you and do not lean to one side or the other nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if sit like, your head will go into the syrup. And no, behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
ON SREAMING
Do not scream for it as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand. But I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server that the server may correct the fault. Likewise, you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face nor press your fingers to your nose. For even not I have made the fish as it should be; behold I eat it myself, yet do I not die.
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Elk Hunting
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north
for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their
venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back,
as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane,
including the six elk. But the pilot objected and
said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you
will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot
six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard.
The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put
all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off
and leave the valley, the little plane could not make
it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the
other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this
is about the same place where we crashed last year."
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Theology, kid style
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between
Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there
now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I
asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and
a shot. Janet
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me. Love, Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told
you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all
of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4
people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of
all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like
walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he
was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the
countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like
that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk
that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in
the old days and don't do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different
summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each
other so much if they each had their own rooms. It
works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never
did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are
born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will
show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do
you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better
God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am
not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the
stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with
the moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
And, saving the best for last . .
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That
was really cool. Thomas