"Romantic Switch"
Although he had packed his bag for a business trip the night before, my husband planned to come home from the office before leaving. That afternoon he called to say the meeting had been canceled and on the spur of the moment we decided to spend a romantic, child-free night in a local hotel.
I quickly re-packed his suitcase, replacing his clothes with two wine glasses, candlesticks and candles and some bubble bath. Then I dashed out to buy a bottle of wine.
When I returned, the bag was gone. A note on the kitchen table read:"Sorry, Dear, the business trip's on after all. I'll call you when I get there."
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Oneliner
"Centipede: An ant built to government specifications."
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CleanPun - "Diamonds"
Bill: It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. Doug: So what did she ask for?
Bill: She said, "Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds." And so that's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.
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~ Diary of a Mad Shoveler or A Texan Moves to Wisconsin ~
December 8: 6:00 P.M. It started to snow The first snowfall
of the season. The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for
hours by the window watching the huge snowflakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic.
We felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I have ever had! Shoveled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow
came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry. We will
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would
be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter,
that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that is
possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! Eight degrees last night.
The temperature dropped to minus twenty. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back in the afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize that I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so much.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a
4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra
snow shovels. Stocked the freezer too. The wife wants a wood
stove in case the electricity goes out. I think she is silly.
After all, we aren't in Alaska.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear on the
ice in the driveway while I was trying to put down salt. Hurt
like hell. The wife laughed for an hour. I think she's very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. I guess I should have bought a wood stove,
but I won't admit that to her. God, I hate it when she is right.
Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel,
but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they are
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying
a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I will have to shovel or the city
will bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time
I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
I tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And, it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she.....nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago. She said she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke
the shovel. I though I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch
the SOB who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow
by his family jewels. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shoveling and than he comes down the street at a
100 miles and hour and throws snow all over where I have just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the darned slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God, I hate the snow. Then, the snowplow driver came by and asked
for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to
watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here?
It was all her idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. The wife is
driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches of snow. Bob says I have to shovel the
roof or it will collapse. That's the silliest thing I have ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?????
December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to
her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what was left of the house. No more
shoveling.
Author Unknown
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The Christain Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had
created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind. As he turned to look,
he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran
as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear
was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster,
so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was
even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as
he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell
on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and
saw the bear right on top of him, raising his paw
to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!"
Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest
was silent, the river even stopped moving. A bright
light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of
the sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these
years, teach others I don't exist and even credit my
creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count
you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and
said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a
Christian after all these years, but could you make
the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the
forest continued and the bear put his paw down. The
bear then brought both paws together, bowed his
head and said, "Lord, I thank you for this food
which I am about to receive."
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Brain Fades 1
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long
time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend just stared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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The Fire Engine
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a
little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides
and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog
and her cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire
truck", the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl says.
The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the
dog's collar and the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could
go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't
have a siren."
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One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!