Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
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Actual Medical Chart Notes
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. - The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. - The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. - Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. - Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. - The patient refused autopsy. - The patient has no previous history of suicides. - Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. - Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. - Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. - She is numb from her toes down. - While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
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Marriage Math
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
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Blood Race
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood. After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well. As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel. Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
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"Basement Pitch"
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
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CleanQuote
"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."- Mel Brooks
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Illustration - "Integrity" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.He was recollecting the first time he refereed in Bloomington, IN at Indiana University. As he told it .............
“I was very nervous. It was my first time in Bloomington and my first time refereeing a game with Bobby Knight. I was very nervous and was trying so hard to make every call right and equitable.“At the start of the second half, Indiana’s #23 positioned himself right next to me as we started play. I felt crowded so gave myself some extra room, but he stayed right with me! This went on for over 5 minutes…#23 closer to me than any opponentI couldn't seem to shake him.“At the under 16-minute time out, I approached the Indiana bench and said, ‘Coach Knight, I couldn't help but notice that #23 stays very close to me - it’s like he’s guarding me!"“Coach Knight looked at me and said, ‘Son, at half time I told that player to guard the man who was giving us the most trouble......................AND THAT’S YOU!”
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Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
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A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
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"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman
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First Prize
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
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More Actual Medical Chart Notes
- The skin was moist and dry. - Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. - Patient was alert and unresponsive. - She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. - Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. - Skin: somewhat pale but present. - The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. - Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. - Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. - She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. - Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
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No leak
That's not a leak, my car's just marking its territory!
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Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?” After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!” At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”