Wife Finder
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "Excuse me, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" asked the woman.
"Because every time I get close to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
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"More facts surfacing about Sarah Palin's background every
day. Sarah Palin's father says that they shoot 90 percent of
the meat their family eats. The other 10 percent they hit
with their pick-up truck." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The stock market crashed again today. As happens in times
of financial crises, the price of gold has skyrocketed. By
the time the market closed yesterday, the value of Flavor
Flav's mouth doubled." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A new study found that screeners at L.A. International
Airport missed 75 percent of the big bombs that were sent
through the line as tests. However, they did confiscate
100 percent of people's water bottles which forced them to
buy new ones at the airport gift shop." -Jay Leno
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We all fail sometimes. But there's something about failing
with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders
from the most clueless - and inventive - of students.
* Classical Studies *
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin
* Biology *
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie
* Classical Studies *
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones
* Biology *
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death
* Biology *
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television
* Religious Studies *
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony
* Physics *
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil
fuels.
Answer: Fire
* Geography *
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar
* Geography *
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which
country?
Answer: Malaria
* Geography *
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse
* History *
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence
signed?
Answer: At the bottom.
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A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,
great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly
of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks
into an upscale cocktail lounge.
To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking
lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So
tell me, do I come here often?"
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Roll CallI remember standing at quarters one morning while stationed aboard ship. Lieutenant Montgomery was doing the muster."JACKSON?""Here!""KIBBEY?""Yo.""STEPHENS?""Present, sir.""SEEBACK?"Nothing."SEEBACK?!"Still nothing."SEEBACK!!!!"As the division Chief I whispered into the Lieutenant's ear, "Sir, turn the paper over."
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Telling Stories
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
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Beautiful
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
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Learning Psalms
A Sunday School teacher decided to have his second grade class learn Psalm 23, one of the most quoted texts from the Holy Bible. She gave the kids a month to memorize the whole chapter. One of the boys was really excited about it, but he simply couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced hard, he could hardly get past the first few lines. So the day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the school board and that boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
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Hourly Rate
Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers): Hourly rate: $10.50 Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50 Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50 Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
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CD Sleeves
My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder
with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to
her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should
not leave the holder in the sun.
During our home addition, the electrician was working in the
backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving
her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and
told Lili she was going to put it in the house.
Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you
put it where the sun doesn't shine!"
The electrician took a break.
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Weird News
Twin cops save jogger's life
CHESAPEAKE, Va. (UPI) -- Twin brothers who serve as police officers in adjoining Virginia towns joined forces to save the life of a jogger who collapsed on the city line. The brothers were on the phone with each other Monday morning when Justin Bowman got a call about a medical emergency in Chesapeake, the Newport News Daily Press reported. When the location was changed to Virginia Beach, he alerted his brother, Brandon, and the two officers both went to the scene, where they found a man unconscious and not breathing. Dorienne Boykin, a Chesapeake police spokeswoman, said Justin performed CPR and Brandon used an external defibrillator. By the time an ambulance arrived, the man had a pulse and was breathing. Both brothers have been police officers for three years. "What are the chances that we'd be 30 seconds away from where it happened, have the right equipment and know what we're doing?" Justin Bowman told The Virginian-Pilot. "And I handled the situation with my bro."
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Tomato mania takes over yard
WINNETKA, Calif. (UPI) -- A Southern California man who harvested almost 11,000 pounds of tomatoes last year is going for 15,000 this year. Bill Anderson and his wife, Christine Griego, grow their plants on less than a quarter acre in Winnetka, the Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday. Most of the yard is devoted to tomatoes, although they also have a few roses. Anderson keeps meticulous track of his harvest with daily records of how many tomatoes he picks and what varieties they are. Scott Daigre, a landscape designer, runs the Tomatomania seedling sales, where Anderson volunteered this year. "If you think that growing backyard tomatoes is just that, you're missing the point," he told the Times. "It's a search for the past, a romantic search for a memory, a hope of reliving a childhood experience, a great dinner."
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Engine TroubleA friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location.""I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?""I-75, two miles south of Standish."A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"