"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is
that it has never tried to contact us." - Calvin and Hobbes --Bill Watterson
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Late to work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
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Cross Examination
A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.” The Judge ruled, “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.”
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No Tail Light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
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Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep
- Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? - Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job? - If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock? - If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters? - If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it? - If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll? - What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'? - What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? - Why can't pigs look up into the sky? - Why do pigs have curly tails? - Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs? - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn? - Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it? - Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
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Honey-Do Syndrome
A middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy.
"Arthritis with complications?" she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No, Do-It-Yourself," she explained, "With concrete blocks."
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The blonde at the movies
We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?""No!" she said in a loud whisper.
"The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car."
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UpLovers of the English language might enjoy this ... How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English?There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitionsIf you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ....Time to shut UP .....!
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"I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are
just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it
differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me,
and I show it by wetting myself." --Dakota Shepard
***
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please
insult my wife. She loves your work. It would really give
her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself...To be married to a woman like that
and not be able to think up your own insults!"
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My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment.
She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was
getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell
phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality
of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going
to tell anybody about this!"
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After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice
to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?"
he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle
costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a
smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"
Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something
really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
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What It Means
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"
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George and Moses
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".