"Snake Glasses"
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years."
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Oneliner
"It's not a bug - it's just an undocumented feature."
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"Lawyer Picture"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.
When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting, "Okay everyone, say fees!"
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The "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear,
but need to. If you are one of those people who like to forward every
e-mail you get, please repeat the following ...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists
if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't
know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail
to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from
Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an
e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you
do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not
STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding
an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is
now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST
CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or
whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them
to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers,
characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I
forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain
individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at
email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it
along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you
will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If
you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
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My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in
Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a
trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.
This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted,
"You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes
to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped
and ready to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You
mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed
this morning?"
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Blonde Ranch Hand
Why you shouldn't ask a blonde to impregnate your cow...
Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?”
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one... right here.”
Terribly impressed by what he had thought was probably just another ditzy blonde, the man asks, “Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”
“That's simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains very confidently.
Thinking his original opinion had been confirmed the man could not resist asking, “What's the nail for?”
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, “It's to hang your pants on...”
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Aging Alphabet
Poetry for those with osteoporosis & low neuralgia...
A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
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Boys Will Be Boys
For those who have sons & those who are happy they don't!
1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10) Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11) Play Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12) Super glue is forever.
13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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Religious Customs Declaration
How to conceal the truth about something you shouldn't be concealing...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
“Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”