Mommy's Resolutions
- When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read." - I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather. - I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables. - When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny. - I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times. - When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags. - I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.
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Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
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Before You Meet With God
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.
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Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
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"I just got some horrible news. My new coworker is S.O.B. positive." - Jim
Rosenberg
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Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
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A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a
woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found
her life's calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was
calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
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"New York is a great town, though. If you're here and want a one of a kind
souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant." - Dave
Letterman
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"It takes time to raise about 25 children. I know, I have
two myself. That's plenty. Mine are twins, though. Both of
them. They're awfully cute. I can't think of their names.
They don't come when I call them anyway." --Victor Borge
***
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting
around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer
stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down
his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give
this stupid game up!"
***
"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,
'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the
groom." -David Gunter
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Did you hear the new California quarter's reverse side
features a bear, a miner, a condor, a redwood, and poppies?
The engraving depicts the bear observing the miner as he
cooks the condor over a redwood fire he made after smoking
a distillate of the poppies.
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We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat
as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as
the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse
me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops,
excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her
and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have
done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud
whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just
flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
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Recent Quips from Late Night
All of the late-night shows are in reruns while the joke writers are on strike. Until the strike is over, our weekly "Recent Quips from Late Night" feature will be on hiatus
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A Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?" "Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"
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Life Changing Thoughts
* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. * If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos.....then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. * Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. * Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. * Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity